New Arnolds

Dear Arnold,
My five-year-old has been constipated and is starting to refuse to use the bathroom because it hurts. Should I use laxatives or wait to see if it corrects itself.
Mary

Dear Mary,
Well most peoples' inclination is to soften the stool or use laxitives. That’s wrong! Harden it up with lots of cheese. Then use a vacuum. I’d recommend your standard shop vac. I’ve recently used one of those fancy Dyson’s. Don’t do that. I think I lost a foot or two of colon to that thing.

Dear Arnold,
My seven-year-old wants to get a dog. I’m on the fence about it and I’m worried she won’t take care of it. What should I do?
Steve

Dear Steve,
Dogs are great. They eat up food you spilled on the floor. They fertilize your neighbor’s lawns. They bark at intruders, and after few years, you can fatten them up for Thanksgiving. A little warning here though - don’t tell your family what they’re eating. Apparently some people consider them pets.

Dear Arnold,
My child is lactose intolerant and she is drinking regular milk at school and getting ill because I’m not around to make sure she drinks her soy milk. What should I do?
Sally

Dear Sally,
I had a buddy in Korea had his right leg blown clean off. Hobbled over to me, asked me for a cigarette, took a sip of moonshine he carried in his pocket and said, “Hand me my rifle Crapacan, let’s go kill some commies.” Then he fell over and died. I think of that every time I drink moonshine. I forgot what question you asked. Doesn’t matter, you’re probably just a stinking hippie whining about something.

Dear Arnold,
My son’s scared of the dark and is having trouble sleeping. We leave lights on but he still wakes up a lot at night. What can we do to help him get over his fear of the dark?
Dan

Dear Dan,
That’s easy. Your son needs to be desensitized. I was desensitized by my dad who used to barge into my room at night with a machete and yell, “See how it easy it could have been! I could have just done it right then.” Then he’d leave my room singing a song about sleeping with one eye open. Once you resign to the feeling that you'll macheted to death in your sleep, the dark doesn’t bother you all that much.

Dear Arnold,
My son has had a cough for a week now. Cough drops and typical remedies aren't working. Do you have any suggestions?
Amy

Dear Amy,
For a good cough, Grandma Ma used to prescribe unfiltered Marlboro Reds. It fills the lung with healing warm smoke and uses your lungs natural tar to heal itself. If he whines about the taste, try a menthol.