Arnold is progress

Dear Arnold,
When my son was born, he had "Mongolian Spots." What are they and when will they go away?
Jack

Dear Jack
Mongolian? You mean like the beef? You got me. If I had dollar for every unexplained rash, goo or crusty crap found on kids I'd retire and stop answering questions about these nasty little nose pickers.

Dear Arnold,
Is it true that if pregnant women lift their arms above their head, the umbilical cord can get wrapped around the baby's head?
Judith

Dear Judith,
I don't know about that but I've heard if you stand on your head the baby will shoot out of your ass.

Dear Arnold,
What do you recommend for stretch marks? Are there any other lotions that you know that help diminish stretch marks?
Janet

Dear Janet,
The best way to avoid stretch marks is to not stretch. But if you've gone and stretched, you can use my Grandma Ma's famous skin lotion/taxidermy ointment. It's a mixture of seaweed, diethyline bi-carbonate and bacon lard. Slather on a bucket or two. It works by eating the first 2 layers of your skin off. in fact she used it so much you could actually see her organs, but grandma ma was always as smooth as a baby's bottom, if babies had stubble.

Dear Arnold,
Caught my five-year-old putting on his Mom's make-up. Should I be concerned at this?
David

Dear David,
There's nothing wrong with experimenting with make-up. On leave in Seoul, I was known to put on a little make-up and dance around just to cheer up the troops. I wore a nice sun dress and perform lap dances for officers in their private club and it was nothing more than just good comraderie and morale boosting.

Dear Arnold,
I've been suffering with morning sickness. Do you have any suggestions on what I can do to stop it?
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
The biggest thing that helped my morning sickness was to learn not to drink the entire jar of corn liquor, maybe just two thirds of it and eat a sock before bed. The sock soaks up the corn liquor. Also the beer before liquor rule: liquor before beer you'll pass out near. Beer before liquor you'll wake up naked in a cow field.


Dear Arnold,
My son has red hair and freckles and is being tormented at school for being a "Ginger". It's really hurt him. What can I do to help?
Sally

Dear Sally,
We had a ginger I fought with at Da Kang. Strange guy who mumbled a lot and had a strange smell. He looked like Ragady Andy and we used to beat him mercessly when we were bored. Couldn't stand the guy. He took a bullet in the head while using the crapper. I forgot what you asked.