Arnold

Dear Arnold,
My baby has a low activity level. It's nice but at the same time I'm worried that it's a sign that something is wrong?
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
It's a sign that either your kid needs coffee or you're boring as hell. Liven your day up. Try occasionally jumping at your baby and screaming 'watch out!' Throw some firecrackers into its crib. Maybe leave it on the top of your car and go for a drive. Start a fire and let the baby put it out. There's tons of stuff to get your baby's heartbeat going. You're only limited by your imagination and some state and federal laws.

Dear Arnold,
Our one-month-old's stool is a yellow, creamy liquid, which looks like mustard mixed with cottage cheese. Should we be concerned?
Sally

Dear Sally,
What the hell is wrong with you people? I think you should be concerned that you're staring at your kid's crap and writing someone about it. Get a hobby, preferably one that doesn't involved poking around your kid's stank. Freak.

Dear Arnold,
I'm worried my wife is going through post-partum depression. What's a good way to deal with post-partum depression.
Sam

Dear Sam,
Here's some tips: A massage is nice, but be considerate, let her pick the day and time to give you one. Also, let her get all gussied up and make dinner for you. Womenfolk like pleasing a man. When she's cleaning the kitchen, try smacking her on the ass just to let her know you care. Maybe let her talk during dinner as long as it's about the Korean war.

Dear Arnold,
I've had a cold recently and it made me wonder, can I take over-the-counter cold medications during pregnancy?
Chelsie

Dear Chelsie,
The key is to take a double dose because you want to make sure your baby gets some too and doesn't have to suffer through your cold as well. Sneezing in the womb is what makes babies come out with misshapen noggins and buck teeth, so I'd load up on the medicines so you don't give birth to some sneezing warped-headed dog boy.


Dear Arnold,
Are granola bars and energy bars okay to give an infant
Bill

Dear Bill
They're fine but if you really want to give them energy try a 'Red Bull and Baby Formula Smoothie'. They're great to drink before you go jogging. That way your baby has at least a chance to keep up with you and if not, they have they energy to find their way back home.

Dear Arnold,
What's a good way to get your children into the habit of washing their hands after using the bathroom.
Cathy

Dear Cathy,
Washing hands is a Big No No. You need germy hands to build up your immune system and to use as weapons against the other children. Unlike warfare, biological weapons should be encouraged among the children. Any scratch from a good set of poo-hands can cause an infection that will send anyone to the hospital and makes for excellent defense in preschool. You don't declaw a cat, don't take the poo-hands away from your children.