Arnolds... in progress

Dear Arnold,
Do you have any suggestions on car seats for infants? Are there any brands you like?
David

Dear David,
What's wrong with the seats that come with your car? Now you've got to buy a seat to go on your regular seat just to haul some brat around? Waste of money. Two words: roof rack. Once you get up to about 60 on the highway, you can't hear them scream anymore.


Dear Arnold,
My son's best friend was caught taking steroids. I'm worried he might be taking them too? How should I talk to him about this?
Gertrude

Dear Gertrude,
Tell him that he doesn't need drugs if he drinks Grand Ma Ma's Muscle Tonic. Take a pound of ground coffee, 1/4 cup of moonshine, cup of hot sauce and the ground up testicle of a bull (left testicle only!). Drink in one whole gulp and chase with the right testicle. If you need bull testicles I've got a bag in my freezer.


Dear Arnold,
My six-year-old is really having trouble learning to read. He tries everyday, but is getting frustrated by his lack of progress. Do you have any tips?
Deloris

Dear Deloris,
Well first of all reading is useless now that the liberals control the media. But if he tries anyway and still can't learn, then he may just be a dumbass. Are you or your husband a dumbass? If so, you may have handed down the dumbass gene to your child. Don't worry. There are plenty of jobs that don't require reading. How good is he at digging ditches?