Arnolds

Dear Arnold,
My daughter has a boy friend she recently broke up with. He’s now stalking her and has creeped her out on more than one occassion. What can we do to handle the situation?
Dave

Dear Dave,
That’s an easy problem to fix. Invite him over for a party. The party supplies should be the following: some heavy-duty trash bags, a shovel, some duct tape, a bag of lyme and a place out in the middle of nowhere to bury something discreetly. Give me a call, I’d be more than happy to help.

Dear Arnold,
Our 16-year-old daughter wants to get married to a 18-year-old. She seems determined, but we think that’s way too young. What can we do to change her mind.
Jessica

Dear Jessica
I don’t see the problem. Sixteen is prime breeding age. And if she can drive a car, she can work a stove or push a vacuum. She’ll be fine. If you’re worried about maturity, just have her shoot out a litter of brats and she’ll go from the age of 16 to 40 in no time.


Dear Arnold,
Our son recently lost his dog and it’s been devastating to him. He’s been depressed about it and we don’t know what to say to help him. Do you have any suggestions?
Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,
I don’t understand. Can’t you just get another one? When my car dies I don’t get all weepy like a pansy ass about it. I go buy another one. Is that you don't have the money for a new dog? If you want, I got a neighbor with a litter of Rottweiler/Pit Bull/Pug-mix puppies. Ugly as hell, but free if you don’t mind the occasional mauling.