Kid Care with Arnold

Dear Arnold,
My five-year-old is congested all the time. I think it’s allergies. Do you know of some medicine or treatment to help him with his congestion?
Gertrude

Dear Gertrude,
Hog fat. Nothing gets rid of nasal congestion like snorting a line of congealed hog fat. Not only does it fill your nose with the smell of bacon, it lubes the inner nasal walls for easy evacuage of snottal remnants. Any meat packing or live stock rendering facility will have tons of it, if not simply slaughter a hog and render its fat. I find a marinade injector is a good way to shoot it into your nose.

Dear Arnold,
My partner and I are trying to get pregnant. We’ve heard to avoid making love with the woman-on-top since this can cause the semen to leak and may result in fewer sperm making their way to the egg. Is this true?
Sally

Dear Sally,
Jesus Mahatma Christ. Woman on top? What kind of sick pervert are you? There's only one position sanctioned by God and the woman sure ain't on top. She's off to the side a little next to the tire pump. And what the hell is this about eggs? Children aren’t hatched from eggs. So unless you’re some kind of chicken/hippie hybrid, I'd stick to the old fashion way with the baby growing inside your bladder. I swear this country is going to hell in a handbasket.

Dear Arnold,
I'm breastfeeding my three-month-old and I’ve been noticing that my right nipple has been very itchy. I’m worried it might be thrush. What should I do?
Charlene

Dear Charlene,
Of course your nipple itches you’ve got a rug rat gnawing on it all day. So many things you can stick in that kid's mouth, why your nipple? My mother for instance used an old boot. I don’t know what the hell thrush is, but if you’ve got a case of the itchy nipple, this is what you do: Spray each nipple with wd-40 (nature’s healer). Wrap each nipple in tin foil and lay in the sun for 2 to 3 hours. That’ll bake the itch right out of it. I’ve gotten rid of a few cases of clap that way.

Dear Arnold,
My child is 2 months old and hasn’t smiled yet. Is that a sign that there is a development problem.
Stan

Dear Stan,
Probably. But he may not be smiling because he's just realized that that life's nothing but a series of disappointments, with cheap women, cheap booze, failed dreams and then one day your nutsack gets blown off by some pinko commie in Da Kang just so you can come home with just one wrinkled ball and an addiction to snorting kimchi, so what the hell exactly is there to smile about? I bet his first words are gonna be “get me a scotch.”

Dear Arnold,
Ocassionally my child puts too much food in her mouth and starts to choke. We don't know what to do if she ever really chokes. How do you handle a situation like that?
Denny

Dear Denny,
I don’t believe in choking. When someone “chokes” they just want attention. "Ooh I can’t breathe, look at me..." If your kid starts choking this is what you do: Yell, “Stop choking!” If that doesn’t work, smack them upside the head and and repeat “stop choking!” If that doesn't work, ignore them. Once they realize that you're not going to give them the attention they want, they'll either work it out or fall on the ground and turn blue because they’re exhausted from faking it.